The Captains Give Advice, and Tom Jones oils his chest.

I was an RA once. It allowed me to have varying degrees of happiness over the period of two years.

But I'm skipping ahead...

Tonight I had a sad realization that my last creative writing piece was written over two years ago, and it was about a girl who fell in love with a prosthetic arm, Pygmalion-style. (Perhaps I'll upload that tomorrow, if the mood inspires.) In my sadgirl pity mode, I started reading some Cheever, and then some Wolff, and as always, ended with a weird turn into Joyce Carol Oates-ville. I started going over my own work, again with varying degrees of happiness.

I want to start writing again, hence my break my Master's degrees finals and finally a revisit to the blog I miss writing in everyday. I barely have time to clean my underpants, leisure blogging is the least of my worries. Yet, tonight I was taking a stroll through the seventeenth and stopped to see the Christmas lights illuminating every tree on Avenue de Ternes. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, but then again, I am a sucker for Christmas lights. All I wanted to do was to sit down in a loft bed and have a mug of wine, like I used to do in New York. I'd sit on my bed with my feet dangling over my windowpane, and watch the drunk people on University Place. And then I'd write about twenty-somethings falling in love with prosthetic arms.

I never said I was a good writer, though I wrote a pretty rousing Tom Jones musical around age 13.

Apparently a pubescent Amy was really into this.
I have no retrospective comment, pleading the Fifth.

I'm not putting up any work just yet, because a rousing day of edits await me. But, I did find a piece I wrote for a bulletin board on Captains that my freshman just didn't seem to appreciate. Which is a shame, really, because they were fans of the bulletin board I had on the history of the toilet. This captain bulletin board was epic enough for me that I saved it, so it'll do.  It had a crisp, forest green background with a captain in a yellow raincoat and galoshes in the middle, commanding attention.

IMAGINE SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

Yes this is Teddy, but imagine Ron Swanson if you wish.
I may or may not find both equally stimulating.

Around the captain were descriptions of other captains, and what each respective captain could teach you about well-being and wellness. Obviously, I think you want to read it.

Behold:

One Eyed Willy

Lacking in depth perception, Captain. Single-Ocular William, known to by his foes as “One Eyed Willy” made up for his singular view by guarding his doubloons better than any of his peers. Not only did Willy save his earnings, but he guarded them by deadly booby-traps consisting of death spikes and death piano tunes.

What you can learn from Willy: Keep your cash in a safe place, and don’t leave important stuff lying around. and personal information. Or, be at master at booby-traps, so if 100 years from now some eleven-year olds want your money, you can outsmart them. Also, get a savings account and don’t be frivolous!

Captain Ahab

Captain Ahab had his leg bitten off by a big, old cranky whale named Moby-Dick. Instead of being forlorn, Ahab got back on the Pequod and hunted that mother of a whale down. Sounds pretty gangster, right? WRONG. Because even though Ahab didn’t give up, his lust for revenge made him lose his friends, and family. Instead of being an inspiration, Ahab just ignores other people’s needs and eventual dooms them all. He’s sort of a downer, yeah?

What you can learn from Ahab: Don’t get wrapped up in the bad. Sure, your leg gets chomped off by a monster…don’t dwell! Instead, focus on the good. Maybe get a hobby. If Ahab spent more time doing watercolors, perhaps he wouldn’t have caused a bloodbath in the middle of the Pacific. Remember, your actions affect others, and no one likes a roommate bloodthirsty for revenge.

Georg Von Trapp

Captain Georg Von Trapp was a Navy man who had a strict routine for him and his children. There was no singing or dancing allowed; it was a 1930s version of Footloose. That is, until a nice novice nun arrived and taught them all to sing and dance and be merry. Instead of growing old and cranky, Captain Von Trapp fell in love with the nun and allowed happiness in his huge mansion once more. That is, until the Nazis came, but they all survived that too, so he’s still a boss.

Actually his name is Captain Sexy as Fuck.
My mistake.

What you can learn from Georg: Sure, a routine does make certain tasks easier, but without spontaneity, would life be any fun? Take a break from homework and enjoy NYC. A little break once and a while will do wonders on your mood. Remember: optimism is key. No one can accomplish anything—especially fleeing a fascist state—without optimism. Also, learn some Austrian folk songs, it charms the ladies.

Captain Nemo

Captain Nemo was a genius, and invented an amazing submarine (called the Nautilus) to do some deep sea exploration. He was resourceful, smart, and innovative; he impressed all that came into contact with him. However, Nemo was a little misguided. He believed the human race was a hateful and spiteful one, so he attacked ships that promoted imperialism. He ended up killing loads of people. Smart dude, but twisted logic.

What you can learn from Nemo: Okay, listen. The world has some big problems, but you have to use your brain. Learn all the facts before you start attacking people/ships/civilization. Like Nemo, if you think you’re above rules and regulations, you’ll eventually be destroyed (or, yelled at. Life is a lot less dramatic on land.)  Remember: even if you disagree with someone, hear him or her out before attacking. The other side always has some valid points as well.

Skipper Jonas Grumby

Skipper Jonas Grumby was only planning on a three-hour tour, but the weather started getting rough. The tiny ship was tossed. If it wasn’t for the courage of the fearless crew, the S.S. Minnow would be lost.  Eventually, the ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle. The Skipper led six idiotic castaways to a civilized existence on this tropic island nest where there were no phones, no lights, no motor car: not a single luxury. Plus, he looks good in blue.

What you can learn from the Skipper: If you’re put in charge of a group and some things go haywire, just keep on keepin’ on. A three hour tour could turn into three years of hijinks. Probably everyone’s being an idiot, but keep to your morals. Delegation and a cool temper are the best tools to survive a tough situation. Unless you’re on an island…then a boat is probably the best tool. Also, preparation is always important. Maybe check the weather, Skipper. A tempest doesn’t just happen, OK?

Jack Sparrow

When you think of trainwrecks, you think of Captain Jack Sparrow. Buddy, pull it together. You’d be a good captain if you weren’t constantly under the influence of drugs, alcohol, or lust. Instead of being a champ, you drunkenly stumble over everything and through luck, eventually end up OK. Though, you mess it up for everyone else too. Spend less time reminding people you are Captain Jack Sparrow and more time being a leader. Why is the rum gone?

What you can learn from Captain Jack Sparrow: It’s not always about yourself. People depend on you. Alcohol and other vices may be fun, but they might make you so numb to the world that you end up bartering your soul or getting eaten by a sea monster.  Hard work can be a good thing, and you’ll be proud of yourself when you succeed. If you only care about yourself, no one will be willing to save you when the time comes.

Blackbeard

The pirate known as Blackbeard may seem like a bully of the seas. He did pillage, rob, and steal from numerous ships throughout the West Indies. But, Blackbeard only used theatrics to get his point across. He seemed scary--he screamed and threatened every one of his victims—but Blackbeard never harmed a soul. To me that doesn’t sound like a pirate, that sounds like an innovator. A very ferocious innovator.

His smoking beard brings all the booty to the yard. Except this is Pirate's booty.
And not the snack kind, which is unfortunate, really.

What you can learn from Blackbeard: Appearances are not always reality. Get to know people before you judge them. Blackbeard looked outside of the box. He wanted to be a pirate, but didn’t feel like murdering…so he molded the job description to what he felt comfortable with! Look for solutions where they don’t seem possible! Blackbeard also teaches us that beards make people seem scary, so if you want to seem frightening, grow a beard. Also, get a nickname. The name Ronald isn’t scary, but BLACKBEARD THE PIRATE is.